Day 15, Day 16

15 - Your Dreams

Dreaming’s a favourite pastime of mine. Lately I’ve been having trouble remembering them. Dreams can really change the mood of an entire day - they make me lonely or they make me anxious or they make me really happy. If I had to pick the most vivid dream I’ve had, I’d pick one I had when I was about five years old. It was in black and white, but yellowed like an old photograph. A woman (who worked at the library back home) was on the roof of a house and I imagine she was fixing it, or something. She fell off and the top of her head broke into pieces, but there was no blood - it was as if her head was made of solid porcelain. I watched her walk around on the lawn and pick up the pieces. I woke up terrified and only calmed down when my mom told me to picture something happy. I pictured a butterfly - stained glass.

16 - Your First Kiss

It was not romantic and we didn’t have feelings for each other. It was with my best friend under an air hockey table in my other best friend’s basement in grade 12. We were both drunk. It started with a kiss on the cheek and moved to the lips, and he tried to add some tongue action. I was shocked. I’ve yet to have a kiss I actually enjoyed, but all things in good time, right?

1 year ago |

Day 11 - Day 13

Day 11 - Your siblings

Evan, 25, philosopher. Part-time bartender. Easygoing, vegetarian pseudo-hippie, happiest in his garden or sipping on a good cocktail. Fan of comedies and documentaries and cats. Bounced back from almost failing high school to getting straight A’s all the way through his degree, proof that you can make positive change. Engaged. Half the size he used to be. We always get along. When I moved out to the island I lived with him for 2 years and we never had any problems. He lives about an hour away and I wish I saw him more often.

Jordan, 19. HMV employee, student of art history. Fashionista. Fan of music and movies. Restless. Ex-gymnast. In a transitory period between childhood and adulthood where nothing seems to fit. Hot-tempered. Fan of incense and marijuana and the beach. Quick to judge but I’m sure she means well. She is my roommate. Personalities clash ~ once a week but in the end all is good.

Colin, 30 (?). Half-brother. Have not seen him since we scattered my father’s ashes in mid-2000. Used to get along real well with Evan. He’s somewhere hidden in Calgary and he has a kid now, apparently.

Day 12 - What’s in your bag

I never carry a bag with me. Right now, there is a book of stamps and some markers in there, a wolf cubs pin I stole from Justin’s dad a million years ago, probably a few pennies.

Day 13 - Your week

Monday - bussed downtown. Went to Dallas beach with Maria and her friends. Talked about cacti atop some rocks as the wind tried to sweep us into the sea. Walked to the drive-in for burgers, talked about how I’ve never been pooped on by a bird right before one pooped on my backpack. Took pictures downtown like a tourist. Came home and drank cider and smoked weed with my sister.

Tuesday - met Annie, Nathan and Annie’s roommate at the theatre. Ran into Thomas and had a chat about tour and Justin. Saw Despicable Me for free. Went to Swan’s for dinner with my sister, cellar-temperature brown ale. Headed to another bar, met up with Maria, talked to a billion drunk dudes, a 40 year old named Donald bought us drinks.

Wednesday - slept all day, played Mario Kart, went to work.

Thursday - slept all day, went to work.

Friday - Sushi takeout and Dexter alone in my kitchen, went to work.

Saturday - today! Was surprised by Nathen’s presence in my kitchen, ate half a breakfast burrito and chatted with my sister, played Mario Kart with my brother, watched Dexter and slept from 10:30-6, ate some franks n beans, and now here I am, awaiting yet another shift.

1 year ago |

Day o8 - Day 10

I have been missing in action, I guess.

Day o8 - A moment

Knee-deep snow. Stumbling through a field near Schulton Hill, you call my name and I don’t answer. It’s a moment of repulsion I will probably never forget, because lord knows where you are now.

Day o9 - Your beliefs

I believe in science. I believe that something other than science started all of this, though. I believe in a good education, I believe in doing nothing, I believe in staying as bed just as long as I want to. I believe in reserving judgment and being patient and accepting apologies. I believe in forgiveness. I believe there’s no better cure for what ails you than a pint and a bowl. I believe in knowing somebody before you kiss them and loving somebody before you fuck them. I believe in relativity.

Day 10 - What you wore today

Until 6 AM I wore my work uniform - sexy McDonald’s polo, black pants, black shoes. A t-shirt with a tie and pocket screenprinted onto it. I’m still wearing that shirt with old jeans, are you impressed?

1 year ago |

Day o7 - Best friend

In grade seven I was grouped with two strange girls on a band trip. I didn’t speak at all because they were tall and intimidating. Flash forward 3 years to grade 10 science class. We are seated in alphabetical order and who do I end up sitting behind but one of these very girls - a beautiful, big-eyed cultural chameleon. We made small talk about bugs in jars at the end of the first class, and I’m not sure how we became such good friends but we did. At that point I was so dissatisfied with my social life that I practically leeched on to this girl and for the first year of our friendship a lot of it was just me writing on her myspace page saying “WE SHOULD HANG OUT SOON” like a needy little asshole. Eventually we did start hanging out. At first it was quite infrequent but always so much fun that we ended up just hanging out all the time. Grade 11 I got drunk for the first time alone with her in her basement, we made frequent trips to watch punk shows in Regina and go shopping, we were in the same group of friends and it had gotten to the point where I was comfortable calling her mother “mom”. I moved away at the end of the summer before grade 12 and we cried in the street, even though I ended up coming home at least once a month.

I guess the biographical and chronological details don’t matter much. She shaped who I am today and to be honest I don’t even want to think about who I’d be without her. When we’re together I’m not ashamed to be myself and I’m sure at least three quarters of our friendship has been spent laughing, whether we’re together in person or talking online or even if I’m just thinking about some of the shit we’ve done. Our longest fight was about 2 hours long, and I can only recall having about 2 fights in the time we’ve been friends, both of which were resolved quickly and don’t matter now.

Now I live thousands of kilometres from her and we don’t talk as often. We’re different people and we lead different lives, and I have to say I’m jealous of everyone who gets to hang out with her or talk to her often, but when it comes down to it, none of this really matters. I feel like no matter where life takes us, we will always have that connection and that sense of comfort with each other. We always make fun of friends who live on small talk because we know we couldn’t be those kind of friends if we tried. And I know that sometimes we get kind of fed up with each other, because she’s crazy and I’m sometimes a lame negative nancy, but I love her all the same and I don’t think all the crazy shit in the world could change that. I’m still not going to dance with her at the bar, though, JUST SAYING!

1 year ago |

Day o4, o5, o6 - What you ate, definition of love, your day

o4 - Today I ate one (1) slice of homemade pesto chicken and artichoke pizza, one (1) roast beef sandwich on an onion bun, and half of an iced capp made with chocolate milk (much too sweet).

o5 - Definition of love

I don’t believe in defining feelings, because everything is so relative. The bad thing about definitions is they either fool people into thinking they’re really in love when they aren’t or they make people think they’re not in love when they are. You don’t need butterflies and excitement and all of those “classic signs” to be in love, and having them doesn’t necessarily mean you’re in love. Love is a feeling, and I think you are in love if you feel like you are, regardless of what some asshole says the signs are.

o6 - My day started at 3:15 PM, at which time I woke up in my mother’s spare bedroom, got out of bed and folded some laundry. Then I went and attempted to make myself look presentable before retrieving cold leftover pizza from the refrigerator and making myself some iced tea. Later we decided it was time to leave so I ate a sandwich and we hit the road back to Victoria. My mother complained about my grade 10 mixed cds. I bought 6 DVDs at a Movie Gallery closing sale (Clerks, C.R.A.Z.Y, The Devil’s Backbone, Milk, Annie Hall and some other movie I don’t remember the name of). Then I got home and since then I have been lounging on the couch in the kitchen dreading going to work.

I decided to do all these together because they are boring.

1 year ago |

lol

thumbswithhands:

if it wasn’t for Ron Voldemort never would have come back

that’s what you get for keeping pets you red headed british son of a bitch

Reblogged from thumbswithhands 1 year ago |

I had this dream

You were finally getting out of the hospital. We were all there - your mother, your sister, your ex girlfriend, a choice few others. I was at once relieved, but worried that you wouldn’t be healthy for long, you’d been in the hospital for a year and a half, after all. I was worried you’d changed. We all were. We sensed your mood would be melancholy or maybe you would be quiet and unable to blend back into society. We wanted our old friend back. The sea-glass eyes, the laughter, the crass sense of humour. You arrived and I didn’t see you. I could hear you speaking, hear you laughing, saying all the things you’d said before. Sarcastic and playful and usual. I wondered why I’d let myself tell everyone you were dead. Why did I keep saying you were gone? I’d known the whole time you weren’t. Throughout this whole dream I didn’t see you once. I woke up confused and with a great feeling of loss in my heart. In my waking life I know that I tell people you’re gone because you are. And I couldn’t even see you in my dream, that’s how far you are from me. Every day I wish it wasn’t so, and every day I’m reminded that it is.

1 year ago |

Day o3 - Your Parents

My dad worked for my grandpa’s window and door company. I’m not sure what he did there, but he had an office and I think he was some sort of salesman, and I’m guessing he was damn good at it. My dad was the kind of guy who had no enemies. He loved his poker nights, rum, Jimmy Buffett and Gordon Lightfoot. He loved quoting movies - A Christmas Carol, Good Morning Vietnam and Beauty and the Beast among his favourites. He did this to entertain and he always succeeded. He loved taking us to BC to visit his sister. No matter how tired he was he always made time to tuck me in at night and rub my back, and he once told me, “You know, one day you’re going to be too old to want me to do this” and I can say with perfect certainty now that that isn’t true, because sometimes it’s all I want. One of my earliest memories is riding on my dad’s back through Simcoe Park when I was very small. I think I must have been about 2 or 3. I can still remember his smells - sweat from working out in the basement (he loved to lift weights) or Ralph Lauren Polo (in the green bottle) for any other time. He loved the heat and people constantly asked me where he was from because his skin was so dark, but he was just a white guy who loved to tan. I really don’t have any negative memories of my father, but I only had 11 years to spend time with him. He died on Feb. 6, 2000 and nobody saw it coming.

My mom is a behavioural consultant with an Alberta school board. She is my main support in life and I would be absolutely lost without her. She is without a doubt the strongest person I know. She has gone through so much loss and she always bounces back, even if it takes a while. She owns a condo a few towns over and she is here for the summer, and I’m really glad. I feel like we’ve gotten closer lately - I’ve been going through a lot of mental health issues and she is always there to listen to me freak out and she does her best to calm me down. Most of my memories of my mother come from after my dad died, but I remember her loving the sun just as much as he did. In my eyes they had the perfect relationship and I have no doubt that they’d still be together today if it were possible. My mother is a great example of perseverence. She has always gone for what she wants and she has almost always gotten it, and I could definitely stand to learn a few things from her. She loves trashy grocery store novels and the musical stylings of Annie Lennox, Reba McEntire, Rod Stewart and Phil Collins. She loves colourful shirts. She pretends to hate pets but I think secretly she really loves them.

I think I’ve been really blessed to have such great parents. Even  though I can say I did not turn out perfectly, it had nothing to do with them. I wouldn’t be half as awesome as I am without their help.

1 year ago |

Day o2 - Your first love

So obviously it’s not the next day, but I can’t get to sleep. Anyway, I don’t think I’ve really had a crazy love or anything like that. As I said before, I haven’t ever dated anyone and that isn’t looking like it will change any time soon, but I guess if I wanted to talk about the person I’ve had the most intense feelings for, I would be lying if I said it was anyone other than Dustin. In fact, I just wrote something about him a few entries back.

I met him in a friend’s garage back in grade 12. He was in grade 10 at the time. Tall and scrawny with a bad haircut and ill-fitting clothes. We sat in folding chairs and he drank beer from a guitar case that doubled as a cooler. We talked about what happens when we die. Shit you think is really profound in high school. After that night we talked to each other a lot and often saw one another at parties but it was always strictly platonic. We have been friends for over four years and have only hung out alone twice that I can recall. I always loved the things he did: freestyle rapping on trampolines, puns, reading atlases at house parties, downloading DOOM onto my computer. All these silly little things. That summer I moved away to Nanaimo and my friend let me know that Dustin had liked me the entire time, and that threw me for a loop, because 1) nobody had ever said they liked me prior to that and 2) I felt the same way. So, I was about 1500 km away and nothing ever happened with it. One night after reading a particularly frustrating horoscope I consulted my friend Neil and with blessing I wrote Dustin a letter, but knowing I’d never mail it I emailed it to him instead. It was neutrally received. We continued talking. A year or so later he got drunk and confessed that he liked me, but backpedalled the next day, and the cycle continued. We saw each other a few times, and it was always nice but wholly unsatisfying.

It’s basically been the same since the start - long periods of no talking, then a burst of intense conversation and warm feelings, then a cool-down where he goes crazy and is unintentionally hurtful and it repeats itself. He has some sort of mental illness and is hard to deal with but I do try my best. It came to a real climax this past spring when he dropped the L-bomb on me repeatedly but by that point I didn’t want to hear it anymore. Our relationship is really complicated and it’s one of those things I can’t tell my friends about because they think I’m completely ridiculous, but that’s it. I think if I had to select someone as being my first “love”, it would be him. I still think about him all the time, but it’s not like it used to be. And I’m sort of grateful for that.

1 year ago |

Day o1 - Introduce yourself

This is difficult because I’m honestly still trying to get it straight, myself. I don’t know that I’m much different from anyone else. I’m 21 years old. I am directionless in a sense but I am registered in a BA Psychology program that I will resume in the fall. I’ve switched majors three times. I live in a fantastic city and the two feelings that most often result from this are astonishment that I actually get to live in such a great place and a whole whack of loneliness because I don’t have many people to share it with. I have attachment issues and I am more dependent than I’d like to be. I’m of the opinion that the world seems more beautiful when you can share it with somebody you care about, and I don’t just mean romantically. I’ve never dated anybody, and if I’m going to be perfectly honest, I don’t think I was wired to be able to have a relationship like that. I feel really awkward a lot of the time but I like to think I’m good at concealing it. I have kissed two boys in my life. One of them is now dating one of my best friends and the other is dead.

I tend to make things sound worse than they are. I’m really not all that unhappy. In fact, I’d say my life is pretty great. It consists mainly of night shifts, weed and beaches right now, and maybe that’s what I need. I work at a fast food restaurant. I am very easy to get along with. I like people who aren’t concerned with keeping busy. I don’t think you can have too many friends. I find that a lot of my efforts to keep in touch with people are futile.

This is getting into teal deer territory so I’ll just finish off with a blob of interests:

Classic films, napping, Lord of the Rings, psychedelic experiences, live music, The Weakerthans, new friendships, unexpected messages or phone calls, the ocean, old growth, the mind, pints of whatever’s on special, disposable income, riding on the Greyhound, my family, secondhand books and CDs, Odilon Redon, Six Feet Under, Spongebob Squarepants, pretending I can write, pretending I can’t write, changing my mind, moments with no customers, people who don’t judge me for sleeping until 5 PM, solid ground, diners and bookstores.

1 year ago |

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